It is true that their words become who you are, I spent most of 2010 and the beginning of this year believing all they had said instead of actually asking myself who and what I actually am!

Since I haven’t had those people around any more I actually believe in myself a lot more now. I hear a lot more positive words from new friends and certain family members. Although there are some who still use those words and call me negative and a person who sees the glass as half full.

But believing in yourself is the best thing that a person can do and no longer believe the words of those who are ‘jealous’ (I put that in inverted commas because it isn’t always the case but there is no other way to describe it) and who like to put some people down. Then again there are those who are just well meaning and don’t realise the problems in their words.

Blessings. xx

[...] An article by Psychic But Sane, “Don’t Let Others Tell You Who You Are”: http://www.psychicbutsane.com/relationships-and-love/dont-let-others-tell-you-who-you-are [...]

I just discovered your website today and so many things now make more sense to me, thank you.

Just a little comment about your mother… I feel there may also be another side to the story:
that she perceived you as disorganised, because you were mirroring this aspect of herself which she doesn’t accept. She probably, deep down, believes she is disorganised in some side of her life that no one notices, and it is hard for her to be ok with herself, especially as she is known to be so well organised otherwise…

My mother “accused” me of being a perfectionist.. only at age 40 did I suddenly realise that she was the one making her own life difficult because of her need for perfection…

How does the saying go? “It’s easy to see the straw in another person, and be blind to the log in one’s own eye…”

Thank you, thank you so much for this lovely website, words are not enough.
In gratefulness,
Michele

[...] you let go of your perceptions and allow someone else to tell you how it is and tell you who you are, you are losing your own precious truth and you are not in [...]

My point was not that they think bad about themselves in general, it’s a matter of self-esteem in regard to their thinking their words don’t carry weight.
.-= Michael´s last blog ..Lightworker/Darkworker – Bullshit =-.

This reminds me so much of my own mother! For example she’d make mean comments about my overweight and how ugly it is or how it would drive all men away… and then come up with “I’m just joking!”. II told her that her comments weren’t helpful, she replied “I’m just being honest. Do you want me to lie?”.

In the name of free speech or honesty, people can say very mean things.

Based on my experience I find it more efficient NOT to point out that their beliefs aren’t accurate, or to cite examples of how we are not what they think we are. If you justify, explain, or argument against what they said, if you even react to it in the first place, it means that on *some level* you think they could be right.

Imagine someone telling you that your blue hair is ugly, and you know you have no blue hair. You would just raise your eyebrows and think they are weird. Why would you need to explain that blue hair is not ugly, or to cite examples of all the times when you had no blue hair, if you know for sure your hair is not blue?

It’s the same with being lazy etc. If we feel the need to defend ourselves, then it’s because there is some truth in it, or at least we believe that. What others say can only hurt us if on some level, it resonates with something that we think about ourselves.

So instead of factually replying to my mom’s comments, now I prefer to use some verbal self-defense techniques and to not justify, demonstrate or explain anything. I don’t know if it’s the right way of dealing with it, but it makes me feel much better.

@Michael: But nobody’s ever really just kidding. If deep down they didn’t think it, they would not even have the idea of saying it in the first place! Nevertheless, I agree with you that it’s a lot about low self-esteem. Why would someone think bad of others if they didn’t think bad of themselves to begin with?
.-= Rose´s last blog ..Anti-Manipulation Techniques =-.

From the offender’s side: often, one says diminishing things because at core you don’t feel that your words have any effect on people…that it’s OK to joke or “bust balls” or criticize because surely the other person knows that you’re marginally important to them and that you don’t really know what you’re talking about.

So, besides all the mumbo about finding your own faults in others, much damage can be attributed to low self-esteem and lack of empowerment on the part of the offending party. This is especially true for parents and others close to you, and the best defense is to make sure they know how much their opinion means to you – next time they’ll think twice, and you won’t need to go around with your fingers in your ears…lalalalalalalalalalala!
.-= Michael´s last blog ..Lightworker/Darkworker – Bullshit =-.