Posted in Relationships And Love on 04. Sep, 2009
Is someone defining you in a way that you don’t like?
I had lunch with my mother yesterday.
We discussed my upcoming plans to move to Brisbane, Australia and my business.
(Note to self: my mother has too much of a say into everything that goes on in my life!)
My mother perceived that there was a lack of organization in my life and told me that I’m not a good organizer.
My mother is a super organizer. She has organized a family of seven for many years (including a move across the world.) She organizes wards and staff in a hospital, and she used to organize various businesses.
She freaks out when my tax isn’t done a few months before it’s due. She freaks out because I don’t have residency for New Zealand and it isn’t organized yet even though I don’t need it right now. She freaks out because I don’t know where exactly I’m going to be living in Brisbane yet.
When my mother tells me that I’m not organized, I feel inadequate for a moment.
And actually, it’s not even true. I’m a good organizer. I have my own little business and I don’t screw up in the organization department very often. I’ve held down a variety of teaching jobs in foreign countries (teachers need to be organized!). I’ve taken the CELTA course (certificate for teaching English to adults) and passed with merit (that took a lot of organization). I’ve moved home at least once a year for the last five years (some of it was abroad). I’ve organized lots of travel plans and arrived at my destination in one piece.
How can I be a bad organizer?
My point with this little story is that sometimes people will define you in a way that you don’t like. They will tell you that you’re lazy, shy, disorganized, selfish, weak, etc. Is any of that true? Yes and no.
It’s true because I’m sure you can always find examples in your life when you were lazy, shy, disorganized or weak. I know I can. And based upon that one time, that person has pigeon-holed you as a shy or disorganized person. And they are telling you that that’s what you are.
My mum thinks I’m a disorganized person partly because when I was sixteen, I nearly missed the plane for a school trip to Spain. I was doing a Spanish language exchange in Madrid for ten days. I had a letter which told me what time to be at the airport for. But I’ve always had trouble understanding the difference between am and pm (a bit like how I have trouble with my left and right.) Yes, I was blonde and dippy. So, at 12.30pm when the plane needed to leave at the airport, I was shopping for shoes and hadn’t packed yet, thinking we were going to leave at 12.30am (I didn’t know that planes don’t leave at night!!)
In the end, I managed to catch that plane. When the school phoned my mum to ask where the hell I was, my mum went into my room, scraped up everything that was on my floor (basically a load of damp towels) and put it into a suitcase and came to pick me up from the shopping centre. It was all good in the end. I got yelled at, had a nice pair of new shoes, caught the plane, and landed in Madrid with a suitcase full of dirty underwear and wet towels.
I did have trouble explaining to my host family why I had packed no clean clothes (in my deficient Spanish) and I suspect they thought I was one sandwich short of a picnic.
But I’m not sixteen anymore. These days, I know the difference between am and pm.
So I’m no longer a bad organizer.
Maybe there’s someone in your life who makes you feel bad for being deficient in some way and reminds you of it regularly based upon something you did once or used to do.
You become who you tell yourself that you are. So if someone tells you regularly that you’re not a good organizer, you’ll live up to that story.
I see this sometimes coming up in readings. A client will present with what we call a ‘negative thought form’ in their energy body. It’s effectively their partner/mother/sister/friend telling them that they’re shy/bad at making money/irresponsible/lazy or whatever, and that’s something they’ve taken to heart, now believe about themselves and are attracting their life according to.
If you have some of those negative thought forms floating around in your energy field, you can actually clear them at will just by identifying what they are and refusing to live according to that perception.
Are the people around you supporting you in who you want to be?
Is there someone who defines you in a way you don’t like?
You need to consciously choose your own self-image because anything can be true about you if you still focus on it. I could still be telling myself I’m stupid and a bad organizer because I used to not know the difference between am and pm when I was sixteen.
but I’d rather not create disorganized for myself right now.
In the same way, are you very certain of who someone is? Unless that trait is something you want to see in that person and which supports them, don’t tell yourself (and them) that story over and over.
It was either Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle who said:
“The moment you think you know who your partner is, your relationship is over.”
(If you know who said that, let me know! I couldn’t find the quote)
Allow people space to grow and change.
So, how do you deal with it when someone defines you in a way that you don’t like?
I told my mum that I’m a good organizer and pointed out all the times I was a good organizer.