Is Overactive Empathy Ruining Your Life?
Posted in Empathy on 05. Aug, 2009
As a very empathic person (a VEP 
), I have spent a lot of energy over the last few years learning how to manage my empathy and establishing better energetic boundaries with those around me.
I have noticed that many other people, especially clairsentient, sensitive, intuitive and lightworker types often have similar problems with their empathy and energetic boundaries. For such people, I have always recommended Rose Rosetree’s book Empowered by Empathy : 25 Ways to Fly in Spirit
So, this is the first article in this series and it talks about the signs of overactive empathy and I relate many of my own experiences. The second article will tell you how you can turn empathy off and the third article will give you a fun technique for using your empathy as a psychic gift; to read someone with their permission.
First of all, let’s define empathy, and then I’ll tell you how you can find out whether your empathy is running you.
What is Empathy?
Empathy is the ability to temporarily step out of your experience and step into another person’s experience, and perceive it as they do, whether it’s an emotional, mental, physical, intellectual or spiritual experience.
Empathy is a gift most people have, to varying degrees. But if you have the gift of empathy, you NEED to know how to turn it on and off. Ideally, you want to be able to use it at will and then turn it off when necessary. Some people with empathy naturally know how to do that. Others don’t.
This is what I see the energy field and energetic boundaries of a person with their empathy turned off as looking like:
This is what it looks like when your empathy is activated:
You become a porous being. If you were a bowl (so to speak!) two minutes ago, now that your empathy has been triggered, you’re a human colander. You have openings in your energy body where your energy goes out to others (so you can put yourself in the shoes of another person.) And also what happens is that energy goes into you – so you soak up what’s going on around you; from other people, places and occurrences.
When you are a skilled empath (when you can turn empathy on and off at will), it is a wonderful thing, and truly a gift because empathy allows us to see things clearly from the perspective of other people so it makes for good relationships. Empathy arouses compassion in us. It allows us to connect with and care about others. If we can feel and relate to what other people are going through, then we are more motivated to offer our help. So, empaths tend to be giving, caring people. Empathy is also kind of cool because it also allows us to move past the veil of separation and experience oneness; what it is like to be another person. It’s a psychic gift, one that I use in readings often and one that you can use as well if you are empathic.
But if you’re an unskilled empath, your empathy can be triggered by something and you forget to turn it off, you may not even be aware that it’s ‘on’. Maybe you’re walking around with your empathy on all the time. That’s when it affects your quality of life.
The disadvantages of having empathy when you don’t know how to turn it off:
This is a spectrum – it ranges from being a nuisance to actually being quite debilitating – such as when you take on other people’s physical and emotional pain and you’re crippled temporarily by it while you process it and try to work out what the hell is going on.
If you can relate to any of the below, you have some work to do on getting your empathy under control. If you can’t, then you probably don’t need this article!
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Overactive empathy in relationships: Do you have (or have you had) any of those relationships where you feel what someone is going through so much, when it’s something they’re struggling with, and you really want to help them?
That’s all good and well, but what if you want to help them so much, you start taking on their ‘stuff’ and their problems? What if your boundaries become blurry and you take on responsibilities that aren’t yours? What if you stop allowing them the responsibility and the opportunity to create change and want to create it for them, directly or indirectly?
Overactive empathy is linked to co-dependence and poor boundaries in general and healers have a hard time with this because they’re so often empathic.
Overactive empathy in the social setting: When your empathy is triggered in a social setting, you are so focused on the people around you. You may be subtly reading them intuitively, you’re listening and noticing intently – it’s like you’re diving into their energy. If everyone else in the room is in colour, you’re in shades of grey because you’re not centred in yourself; you’re lost in everyone else’s energy. If your empathy is turned on in a social situation, it means you enjoy the experience less because it can be rather draining, sometimes overwhelming and a bit of a strain.
This used to happen to me a lot. I’ve been told that when I meet people for the first time, I can come off as a bit intense and it’s because all my energy is going out to people – I’m meeting them not just as a person but as an energetic being. Is this appropriate? In a reading, yes (which is why I’m good at what I do). In a social setting, no. And I’ve gotten a lot better at getting that under control and being a normal person in social interactions
Overactive emotional empathy: Have you ever been completely floored by someone else’s emotional pain? This has happened to me several times. When I was living in London, the brother of an acquaintance had committed suicide. When this person came to my flat, I didn’t know how to shake off their pain after they had left, even though I didn’t know him very well and theoretically his pain should not have affected me so much.
When I was supporting a bereaved relative of mine a few years ago, I had the most extreme experience of taking on someone else’s pain.
I was not bereaved. But when I began supporting and helping my bereaved relative, I found myself completely overtaken with grief. At first I didn’t know what was happening. I just assumed I felt bad for my relative. But for about a month I was completely out of action. I cried all day, I felt pain like I had never felt before in my life. The funny thing was that when their pain began to lift, so did mine.
Several months later, an intuitive who sees auras told me I was carrying a terrible empathic emotional burden on my shoulders and it wasn’t mine; she told me to let it go.
This kind of emotional empathy is totally needless and inappropriate. It didn’t help anyone for me to be overwhelmed with pain (quite the opposite), but I didn’t even know what was happening and why I was in such pain. So I didn’t know it was my empathy out of control.
Overactive empathy in certain places: This is when you enter buildings and walk past certain places and take on the energetic frequencies within that place. I did some interpreting once in Spain. I had to go to the police station and interpret for some people who were being accused of some crime. The energy in the police station felt like desperation, sadness, apathy and cruelty and many other nasty things.
Afterwards, energetically I felt like I’d been beaten up and I felt out of sorts for a few days. Again, that would not have affected me if I had known how to turn off my empathy.
Physical empathy: Do you feel the aches and pains of other people? Physical empaths can get horrible headaches, and they may feel like hypochondriacs. What is often happening is that they are like sponges, taking on the physical pain of others.
These are just of the most common types of empathy. There are many more types, including intellectual empathy, empathy with animals and plants.
If you identified with any of the above, to a smaller or greater degree, then you will want to read my next article on ‘How to turn off Empathy’ (posted in the next few days) in which I will share the three things you need to know in order to turn off your empathy.
Please leave a comment if you have something to share about your experiences with empathy.
Read the next article in this series, ‘How to Turn off Overactive Empathy’.
oh Anna, youre speaking to me sista!!!! haha. Cant wait for your next article. You know the darndest thing? i have Rose Rosetrees book and i even have it on sale on Trademe, im going to keep it now lol. Im terribly crippled by empathy. God help me in a mall. When my kids have first days at anything I feel their nerves. Sometimes when out driving I feel like I can sense everyones anxiety on the roads. Its an area Ive never been able to overcome. Thanks for your insights.
speaking of which, synchronicity here, her new book is coming out in sept, i got her newsletter tonight lol
Oh, maybe this is why I am so sensitive to places with lots of people and especially buildings! I totally get your police station experience, and I can get really sucked in by other people’s energies, to the point of identifying with their values and losing myself in the process. And I’ve always had a hard time putting up reasonable borders.
Never did think about being able to switch it on or off at will. I feel a little bit reluctant to turning it off though, feels like it would make me cold and insensitive somehow, ignoring what’s around me. But it sure makes a lot of sense though and I look forward to the next article!
Anyway, great read, thank you!
Most excellent article, Anna. I believe that years ago without realizing it I developed my own defenses – was terribly sensitive until my late 20′s, then began to sometimes consciously turn it off, then it became automatic and I assumed the mode of not caring just to avoid the pain. At this point the normal switch position is “off” and I can remain detached unless I need the information for some reason. The Blueprinter thing…always on the periphery of nastiness and trying to keep one’s hands from getting too dirty.
Anyhow, I think the moral of the story is that if one is sensitive and not aware, one can build such a thick shell as to not feel anything. Probably not a good way to be.
@MIchael: You’re making a good point! It is indeed very easy to coat yourself with that thick blanket of numbness as a way of dealing with pain.
As for me, it’s combination of both I think – not putting up appropriate borders to keep my own energy in, as I already mentioned, and at the same time numbing myself to deal with the pain. Resulting in a whole lot of confusion mixed with apathy – certainly not recommended!
I think awareness is key – seeing all these processes in play, understanding where they come from, and learning how to put some distance to them.
Hi Kate
Thanks for your comments – glad this resonated with you!! I sometimes get nervous when driving as well, not sure if that’s because of my empathy though.
Hi, David! Glad you liked this article. I will talk about avoiding being cold and insensitive in the next article (i.e. balancing turning off empathy with being compassionate).
Michael – that’s a really good point. I think that empathic people do come up with strategies to deal with their empathy, like numbing themselves, as you mention. My self-protective mechanism was being somewhat withdrawn and aloof.
OMG! Thank you for this article. So this is what’s been happening to me — too much empathy. I’ve also been too identified with my career as a writer that I’m feeling burned out and want to walk away from it. I think it’s time to trust my head over my heart. Talk about being out of balance and off center.
i’m begging for help. i just figured out i may be a physical empath. After researching for a book on my female relatives with strange(powers-gifts?) whatever. Since childhood i have always been sick with strange serious illnesses with absolutely no family history. Cancer, Parkinson’s, Rheumatoid arthritis, to name a few. Bad things tend to gravatate to me, when someone in a store an aisle over would cough, i would feel it. The obvious small things like that stopped when i started on anti-depressants. But the big bad things remain. I’m trying to live a normal happy life, but these huge things get in my way and ruin any hopes. i became a Catholic to have a reason not to commit suicide. Pain is always there. will this book help? i am in constant debt with medical bills and can’t buy this if it will not help. Thank you!
Hi Anna,
I really liked the article as I feel that you have outlined a critical error in the judgment. The first time I became aware of this, I started looking for it in the real world, and lo and behold, it is everywhere.
I have a question though. Is there a difference between “Overactive Empathy” as you have described it, and “Sympathy?” They seem to be one in the same.
Thanks,
Craig
@Craig:
There seems to be no clear line between sympathy and empathy. People seem to differ in their understanding and use of the words. Some say empathy is the feeling of others’ feelings, while sympathy is not the feeling but the understanding of others’ feelings.
In that use of the words, a highly sympathetic person can understand what another person is feeling, but still be stone cold devoid of any feeling. The extreme case of this would be the sociopath killer who understands his/hers victims and therefor is highly skilled in manipulating them, but can feel nothing for them at all.
For the overactive empath, there is also the key difference from having the skills to separate your own feelings from those of others, to that of not being able to do so and therefor taking on others’ feelings as your own.
The difference you are thinking of might be of the latter – overactive empathy is the more uncontrolled taking on of others’ feelings, while sympathy is doing it with clear understanding that it isn’t your feelings, thereby freeing you from identifying with the feelings.
Myself I want to think of sympathy in these latter terms – empathy is the ability and sympathy is the willingness and the act of using that ability to understand and connect to other people.
Hi Donna, I’m not sure if the book will help to be honest. This sounds like more than overactive empathy. I mean, empaths don’t tend to take on other people’s diseases, just other people’s symptoms.
Hi Craig, I tend to agree with what David wrote above. Sympathy seems almost like a pity that can be distanced from feelings, whereas overactive empathy is uncontrolled and a total identification with someone else’s feelings.
David/Anna,
Thanks for the clarification. I understand now
HI Anna i dont know what it is im going through ,but would love some advice. i have had the same thing happening to me (about 7 times).i get terrible intense feeling of pain upset..just before someone dies, i seem to be experiencing there feelings shortly before death. i dont knw its happening at the time but after i go through the emotions and calm down .maybe a few days later i find out who it is and wots happend. its almost like im a puppet for their emotions. its really upsetting my life and making me seem like a nut job lol. i dont know if my job has anything todo with it but i do beauty therapy ,and have a good physical empathy anyway. has this got a name? have you or anybody heard of this before? how do i deal with it? i mean the last time it happend i smash the bedroom up in a complete rage and it took 3 friends to restrain me ,(they have never ever seen me like it before) a few days later another childhood friend came to me and told me her dad died of cancer and was punching wall ect and when we talking i was displaying all his emotions at excactly the same time. like i said not the first time. please help jo x
I really got so much out of reading your article just then, and it has answered some pretty confusing experiential mysteries for me. I can relate totally to the experience of EXTREME pain, which was beyond what I could even concieve of being able to handle as a human being…and not knowing where it came from? I tend to shut myself off from the world as an introverted person, and feel more recharged and “safe” in my bedroom, which can cause other people to make all sorts of wrong assumptions about me. I have also experienced taking on the physical pain of a friend who I gave a massage to one evening before I went out with my boyfriend at the time…and my whole night was ruined by feeling her pain in the same place on my body that she felt her pain…it was a wierd transference and I would love to know ho wto get a grip on this empathy business, as it has been seriously messing my life up for a long time now…glad I stumbled across Steve Pavlina’s website and found you…thanks
Hi Philippa – so glad this article was helpful to you! Anna
wow. ms. anna that helped me out a ton. i didnt know that it was actually called overactive empathy. ive been living with my grandparents who are overweight fanatic christians. and for about two or three weeks straight i had just been crying and so upset and so frustrated and annoyed for no reason. and i felt like i was going crazy. i knew for a while now that i was empathic but i didnt kno that i was literally taking on my grandparents problems and stresses. awesome article! im going to read the next two
What about when you not only feel 100% empathy but you also can see through. How to avoid the impact of knowing the bad energy or experiences, of others to affect you? I cannot stop to attack bad energies and transform them. How to prevent it?
I think I have everything you described as a gifted person, but I also can see images, like very fast pictures or slower.
I am afraid many people would not understand it, rejection… I hide myself except to those I trust and witness my gifts, they have to cope with it if they love me.
It feels bigger than me, is like a huge Super Nova rotating inside, like the whole earth going through me. I even feel meteorites approaching earth, or floods, earthquakes. I also have information it is not mine, plenty of it, past, future, present, science, medicine, art, politics,etc… How to stop it to live a normal life with a proper empathy feeling? Is this normal what I have?
I can speak, write, and read seven languages as well, ( another divine gift, or that is perhaps cause I am also studied music for many years, now is a hobby).
Some people said I could be an extraordinary painter not an economist instead. I am 38 years old, also looking 27, 30? Weird.
I keep it down, said under radar but after reading you… I decided to show myself because it feels strange sometimes.
Recently I met my untie after many years without having contact with her, she brought me an article that made her remember my childhood, it was from a Indigo Russian boy very known. She forced me to read it. Thereafter, I almost cried for he tells all I was saying when I was a kid. My untie down to ground person told me I am an early type of Indigo????? Energy here is another story???
I hope sharing this can help you to study deeper about Empathy feelings.
All I have is intuitive or given, never study or read about these subjects in general, I am average and natural. All I can say is that I Know…and I found your web looking for explanations, answers.
By the way, I moved into Spain like you did once, I am living by the mountains of Montserrat (Barcelona). It is so beautiful! Something here.
Thank you for listening and your excellent work.
Take care. ANNA
.
Hi Charmity, glad it helped…living with people who have strong negative emotions is never easy for an empath! But you can turn it off. Good luck.
You know, it’s kinda hard to identify things of this sort in oneself if one’s always been a certain way. We don’t really know that it isn’t the norm and that everyone doesn’t feel what we are feeling or at least in the same magnitude.
As a child, I always wondered if other people thought food tasted the same as I did and if colors looked the same to them as to me. Probably yes. Does everyone have an empathic side? Probably yes. It’s up to each of us to decide if it is overwhelming or not.
Parents need to use this gift to their utmost in raising their children.
I can’t wait to read your next article on how to turn off Overactive Empathy. I guess we don’t need lessons on how to turn it back on!
Diana Neff´s last blog ..One Down!