CRISIS! My life fell apart two months ago. Please forgive me. The Anna you knew no longer exists.
Posted in Anna's Journey on 20. Feb, 2010
Ok, I admit this is going to be a self-absorbed rant and temper tantrum. But there are some juicy bits in there towards the end (including things I’ve screwed up because everyone loves reading about that). But it’s a very necessary rant and I need to have it right here, right now, on my blog.
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Recently I found myself not wanting to write anymore for the first time in a long time. Maybe you didn’t notice but I haven’t been blogging so much.
That was weird for me because writing is one of the things I love to do most.
The reason why I no longer wanted to write was because…
I’d outgrown my old website; my old archives; the way it looks; the things I write about.
The mysterious-looking/bitchy-looking/psychic-looking (according to the various email feedback I get) – woman on the banner that you see at the top no longer looks like me and doesn’t feel like me.
The way I wrote in November is no longer my voice.
Four months ago, in November of last year, that WAS my voice.
Then I moved to Australia (in November).
Since I got here, I have had the most unbelievably bizarre and growth-inducing set of experiences. This has without doubt been the most challenging, strange and unsettling period of my life so far. And I say that as someone who grew up as a teenager in a household that was full of all sorts of weird (and at certain times, traumatic) things happening.
The things that have happened here in Australia have woken me up and pissed me off.
At some point I will probably write about some of the weird experiences I have had here (there are enough to fill a book and if I tell the truth about some of the weird people I have met I will probably get sued!) But for now I’ll just say that it is a grounding, waking-up, getting-REAL process I have gone through.
That means I went from being a spiritual flake to realizing, oopsy, I’m human too – I better get a life!
Maybe you have had something similar happen to you – especially if you’re young and a professional psychic too.
It happens. I mean, before I became a professional psychic, I spent my life denying the spiritual side of me so much and pretending to everyone that I wasn’t psychic.
Of course, when I finally ‘came out’ as a psychic and started my business, I swung the other way and I was SO spiritual and ungrounded for a while.
I also LOVED everyone I came into contact with so much (and still do) that I was a total pushover, had no boundaries and got walked on left, right and centre.
BUT now that I’ve been in the psychic role for a while, I stopped people from taking advantage of me, have settled into it a bit more, and I got comfortable with it. Then I came to Australia and underwent some sort of supercharged growing up/transformation process.
So when I no longer wanted to write recently, I knew it was because I was afraid of revealing who I am to the people who read my blog.
Afraid of writing because there was a real discrepancy between who I am in my work, on my blog and who I am in real life.
I feel extremely normal. I am really normal. It’s just that I work as a psychic. And if I show you who I really am, I am probably not spiritual enough to be writing this blog anymore.
Why am I telling you this? Do you even care?
You probably don’t. A bit like how gay people need to come out and tell you how gay they are, and you assure them you don’t really care whether they’re gay or straight.
Also, as long as I do good readings and write about helpful things that people can find by typing ‘what are the akashic records’ into Google, I’m OK, right? I don’t need to get this out onto my blog, do I?
Actually, I do.
It means I am going to give myself permission to go in slightly different directions. I am setting up a blog about how to become a professional psychic and make money AND stay sane. I guess I am warning you about this new direction. This website will look a whole lot different soon.
Plus, I’m taking this opportunity to whine about the role of psychic and how weird it can be sometimes. After all…
Some People think that because you’re psychic you must be superhuman and omniscient.
No I don’t know what you had for dinner last night. I can’t help you with the lottery numbers. Yeah, if I can’t guess your girlfriend’s name, I must be a fake psychic. You’re probably the 100th person to have asked me that this year, actually.
Some People think that I should be a spiritual beacon of light all the time.
I recently fell out with a friend of mine who, when I was going through this, the most challenging period I’ve experienced so far, and needed some caring support, informed me that I needed get it together and to stop being so miserable and selfish because my role here on Earth was to be a spiritual beacon of light for people on my website, on my Facebook and on my Twitter. Well, that’s not authentic for me, and his comments really pissed me off.
I doubt that anyone sane ever thought I am the Dalai Lama, but judging by the messages I get via my contact form, some people think being a professional psychic equates to being some superior spiritual being and they think I got all the answers. I doubt YOU, dear reader, ever thought that, but for those people - Newsflash! We’re all psychic and you have your own answers. Maybe they aren’t the same as mine.
Being psychic or interested in spirituality doesn’t make you an enlightened being or a guru, does it?
Occasionally I get drunk, cry and do stupid things (especially these last few months after I spend half an hour madly chasing massive flying cockroaches around my apartment, trying to kill them, then when I finally manage to kill them, I go outside only to not believe my eyes when I find a raging river flowing down my street. After all, this is Australia!)
I swear a lot when I’m with my mum, who swears as much as me but gets angry with me when I am ignorant enough to do it in public.
I don’t believe in enlightenment, I think ascension is a load of crap, nor do I believe in twin flames and I have no idea what indigo children are anymore because my spirit guides don’t know what I’m on about when I ask them.
Yes, I am psychic but if I like you and you kiss me, I temporarily lose my psychic abilities and can’t tell you anything about yourself except that you’re really hot.
Actually, because of this reason, I consistently make REALLY bad decisions when it comes to men, not just once or twice, BUT most of the time.
And to top it all off, I think that the concept of old souls, young souls, and sort of evolved souls is a kind of conceit. I have met lots of non-spiritual people who showed no conscious interest in their spiritual evolution, but they were people who seemed very evolved to me.
I’m sorry if I disappointed you!
You can still book a reading though AND it will be accurate, as long as we don’t start making out half way through.
PS – please don’t throw rocks. I don’t think I could cope, but please leave comments!
Hi Julie – Actually, I know what to do about the man situation. A friend of mine who is an intuitive has helped me to practice emotionally detach from situations and people close to me (while I read the situation), so it’s not as if I don’t know HOW to make mindful and good choices, right now it’s become an issue of just practicing it consciously rather than being swept away by other people and their emotions, which can easily happen when you’re too damn empathic for your own good.
As for the growing up bit, I have been living independently since about the age of 18 and so 8 years later I consider myself somewhat grown up in most areas, in other areas I’ve taken a leap lately. But that’s a good thing, I think all of us regardless of age, we never stop growing and all at different paces. I know people who are 40 and who are less functional and mature than some people I know who are 25.
love to know how you detach Anna, Im always up for detaching lol. Us over empaths who feel everything and then some lol
Hi Sue – thank you for your affirming words. It is SO refreshing as you say, to drop that burden of responsibility as it not ours to carry.
Thanks Elle!
Hi Andrea, great to see your comment. You must get put on a pedestal quite a lot!!
THANK YOU Jessica – good to hear it isn’t just me who goes through this stuff (although somehow didn’t think it was!)
Thanks Kara, I’m sure it’ll be in future blog posts (with names changed
)
Natalie – thank you.
David – Agreed! (about the mumbo-jumbo part)
Cathrene – thanks for your wise words! I love this: the beauty of falling apart, which I’ve done many times in the past 10 years, is when you come back together, they’ll be a new arrangement inside you…
Tls – yes, no feeling is final! I love that.
Theresa – hehe, I have wondered the same thing about some bloggers who come across as like demi-gods who seem to have it all together.
Julia – thank you so much for your insightful comment, you are right about what you said in it and I read it a few times in the last few days.
Tiago – thank you!
Sweetperceptions – thanks for your sweet comment.
Hi Jen, great to see your comment and thanks for the good wishes!
Sonja – I agree!
Kate – Chris Landry (http://www.spirituality-in-you.net) suggested that I tune out of the heart chakra and close my own heart chakra (I always tune into heart chakras when I speak to people) and just focus on the voice and on their third eye instead to know what someone’s intentions are and what is going on in the situation. It sounds quite simplistic but has helped quite a bit actually.
oh interesting, im not sure what i tune into generally, but i do tune into voices too, that adds something. Thanks for that, will check her site out. So when you say you close your heart chakra down, does that leave you feeling uncompassionate?
I don’t think it leaves me feeling uncompassionate. More like detached for a moment while I do it.
Anna, it’s very interesting to see you going through such changes. It was coming recently all your posts have been about changes. Enjoy the ride. xxx
Sorry you are having a bit of a rough time in Australia but I’m sure you are right that it is all part of your spiritual growth and you will come out so much better for it. You are right you are just human, you are not perfect just because you have a special gift, people can be really judgemental & it hurts sometimes. I have heard people make comments before that “if the psychic is really good they won’t charge you, the real psychics do it for free” I always thought that was so ridiculous, why should they work for free?? Don’t they have bills to pay like everyone else? Should a really good doctor or lawyer work for free as well?? Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I can understand where your frustration is coming from & lots of people do appreciate your gift & all that you are offering to the world. Keep it up & best of luck in Australia
On the contrary, I am honored to be meet this new(er)/true(r) Anna Conlan! It’s practically charlatanism to keep putting on this persona, reinforce people’s ideas of Enlightened Mystic Oracle, if it’s isn’t true. Yet, “If you meet Buddha on the road, kill him.” — takes a lot of courage to do that, and even more to admit it. Warm welcome back, and looking forward to more.
All great advice posted. Sounds like you are being pushed out of your comfort zone and boundaries challenged. Our family has lived in a number of developing countries and experienced drought, riots, lack of clean water, electricity and medical facilities – you get the picture. We are therefore always thankful for what we have in Australia and when travelling, always look forward to ‘coming home’. Not throwing rocks here, just looking at the big picture……and by the way, a can of Mortein should do the trick. ps love your website and blogs.
This is awesome, Anna. Authentic and real. Congrats! Seems that you are letting go of concepts about you & all expectations on you from self and others. And letting go is always a good thing. And you’re teaching others by example — by being yourself and articulating your truth. thanks!!
kelly´s last blog ..kellykimSF: RT @womenwotw: "Never lose a holy curiousity" Albert Einstein #quotes
Dear Anna
Thank you so much for being completely honest. It is so refreshing. I am happy for you and sense the release in you.
I too have experienced how people espect me to be much more perfect, because I am psychic. To be honest I too feel wrong when I fall out by having foul language, admit to not being grounded, space out and get easily confused with times, dates and even my own rates infront of clients.
Well I also made a decision to be who I am. It hurts my ego a little every time I allow myself to do non-psychic stuff infront of clients, but I really believe in staying true to who I am at this time.
The basic thought I found is “I am wrong” and this is my priority to take care of, not use my energy to hide whatever I think is wrong about me.
blessings Anneli
Wow, this is so refreshing that I had to dust off my keyboard to leave a comment … haven’t done that in any blog post in a looong time, but this one calls for a celebration! LOVE you Anna banana!
Good for you! I’m glad you are tougher and stronger!
I was just about to unsubscribe from your mailing list when the title of this article caught my eye
Your honesty and openness is refreshing, it often seems that spiritual teachers and the like live in a kind of bubble separate from the rest of humanity. They project an image of perfection that cannot be real since they’re still human
The new Anna is a lot more believable than the old Anna
Hi Anna,
What great release, refreshing!
“I don’t believe in enlightenment, I think ascension is a load of crap, nor do I believe in twin flames and I have no idea what indigo children are anymore because my spirit guides don’t know what I’m on about when I ask them.”
Imo, this underscores your authenticity. These concepts are to my knowledge fabrications (or manipulated echoes from esoteric knowledge) of the ‘service to self’ realm, such ideas distributed can expose you and your customer to psycho’s and pitfalls by ignorant attraction, knowledge protects. Strategic enclosure is also not a bad idea.
Best wishes
Thanks Irene!
BRAVO!!!!
You cannot be psychic/lightworker/etc and not be human. The most empathic people are the people who have not had it all together and they know how it feels to be a talented smart sensible person and have it fall apart. Good on you for not skimming the surface all your life. This massive challenge moment you have had will only make you better at what you do.
Keep going!!!!
PS I can pick a spiritual flake a mile away and you are now up the other end of the continuum.
oh i love that Angela, I can spot a spiritual flake a mile away too and im sure they cant stand me cause my mouth is colourful lol
Kate’s last blog.. I ain’t no Melinda Gordon.
“I spent my life denying the spiritual side of me so much and pretending to everyone that I wasn’t psychic.” This a quote from this blog. I’ve Been hiding My “visions” for over half my life (i’m 25 now.) I see things as clear as watching a movie… After every life changing event my “visions” have happen more often and more clear (down to details of clothing) Sometimes in life we are tested and push to are wit’s end, and we have to pick are selves off the floor and start again. “self healing” so this little rant is just what you needed. I didn’t read what everyone else has write back to you. To change subject But I’m in a long family that’s had a hidden from the public, and only share with others like us, (not cults or how ever you want to take that). Any time I’ve told anybody about my “visions” they assume I’m a mind reader, “oh yeah what i’m thinking now” I hate it when people ask me that. After my wife left me, 2 months before dad passed over, and didn’t have any contact with my first born son for over 6 months. I went into a hole, when I finally got out, I starting seeing farther into the future then I ever have before. 15 days. The greatest part about it was, IT was my first ‘vision’ I saw through someone else’s eyes. Involved in the event I saw. (all of them before then were through me in a future event.) Since then I’ve been expanding on everything I can. (but I’ve blocked the deceased) except for my dad. Sorry for blogging on your blog but A few thing you wrote triggered some stuff that i wanted to share.. in hints the name I left.. I’m seeing things about people I haven’t even met yet… This was kind of funny “Yes, I am psychic but if I like you and you kiss me, I temporarily lose my psychic abilities and can’t tell you anything about yourself except that you’re really hot.” I have the same darn problem… And It Bugs, me..So my brother and Mom have to help me for when i pick my next mate..ha ha..(PS I do see my son and have a good relationship with him now) We communicate differently then most parent/child do. He can read people’s colors already!(if they’re good/bad) (he’s 2 1/2) Talking is hard because he knows words that he can’t say yet… As for the communication i’m talking about what I can only believe to be telepathy/touch. I have to explain or someone going to think I’m some sicko.. When my son get mad/upset with me when he’s trying to tell me something he’ll grab my head and put his hands on my temples and say it again slowly(at the same time he makes a funny face like he’s pooping) Then I blink I and say it back to him.. then he smiles and walks away or I answer his question….now this is the truth and haven’t said anything to anyone…but I need to because I can’t truly believe it my self… If i’m correct then he might become someone’s Science project…Which has always been my fear of me and my self, but even I can’t do that….This felt like a safe place to say something… And Thank You. I’m Jealous, I could never go “pro”..i’m glad you can, and make a living from it..take care
Silent Ryan
dear anna,
a friend of mine sent me your website link yesterday.
i am an intuitive myself and i must say that i read through all of that with a smile, first because i could relate and emphasize (hm… also read the article on acne, a journey i am very familiar with), and second, because i find your writing refreshing, sincere, and with a nice sense of humor!
i wish you all the best, thanks for sharing.
sophia xxx
Hi Sophia, welcome! & thanks for leaving your comment…